I’m tired of crawling inside of a bottle only to come out again and find that nothing has changed

I’m tired of striving to become better at a job for people for whom I have no respect for

I’m tired of my wife’s menopausal, bi-polar, insecure craziness….over and over day in and day out.

I’m tired of being unable to ruin my life without ruining the lives of my children.

I’m tired of being constantly reminded of all the things I have not accomplished and looking forward to never accomplishing them.

I’m tired of falling victim to the agendas of others.

I’m tired of the disingenuous who will praise with one face and demean with their other.

I’m tired of wishing I had more, could do more, could give more. I’m tired of the sun coming up each and every day. I’m tired of stupidity, ignorance, selfishness, greed, and intolerance (or is that my own intolerance?)

I’m tired of all my friends being 300 miles away.

I’m tired of my family being farther away even when we are in the same room.

Merry Christmas….don’t mind me.

I’m just tired

In the midst of the horrific scandal that rocks Penn State I came across this movie that is in stark contrast to the happenings in Pennsylvania. It’s the story of the Abbate Family who lost their 15 year old son, Luke, in a senseless car accident.  It depicts how their lives and spirits were shattered and their struggle to glue back together the pieces of their lives.  And while the news has been filled with what is the worst possible side of college athletics, the movie “The 5^th Quarter” is an example of what is the absolute best.

It tells the story of how Luke’s brother, John, helped lead the Wake Forrest football team to its best season and an ACC Championship.  All the while, remembering Luke and dedicating this season to him.  The team and the Wake Forrest community shared in the support of John’s grief and displayed it each 4^th quarter.  When the 4^th quarter arrives, teams will raise up 4 fingers to recognize the last quarter of the game.  Well, Luke’s, jersey number was 5 and it became the number that the Wake Forrest team would raise up as well as the supporters in the stands.  With many last minute wins and suspenseful final moments, it seemed as though the 5^th quarter was indeed special for the team.

The final scene of the movie comes after WF wins the ACC championship game and a woman comes to the Abbate home.  She is the person whose life was saved by receiving Luke’s heart in a transplant.  Luke’s father weeps as he places his ear to listen to Luke’s heart beat within the woman’s chest.

The acting is marginal, and the story may be excessively sentimental.  But after listening to the reprehensible reports about college sports this week it was good to see an occasion where a team, a school, and a family all come together in grief, in support, and in triumph.  I’m sure this “based on a true story” has plenty of poetic license with its portrayal.  However, I choose to believe that the events took place exactly as it was shown on the screen.  I think we’re all better for it if it did indeed happen just that way.

Here is a poem that was read within the movie as well as a link to the Luke Abbate Foundation

“I’ll lend you for a while a child of mine,” He said.
“For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he’s dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
He’ll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
You’ll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief.”

“I cannot promise he will stay; since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I’ve looked the wide world over in My search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love, not think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?”

“I fancied that I heard them say, “Dear Lord, Thy will be done!
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we run.
We’ll shelter him with tenderness, we’ll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we’ve known, forever grateful stay;
But should the angels call for him much sooner than we’ve planned,
We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand!”

The problem as I see it is that nothing that I have read speaks to the problems that pushed these educators to resort to these measures.  Recently, Michigan passed legislation that makes ‘tenure’ and ‘seniority’ ineffectual.  Transfers and lay-offs are no longer based on seniority; they will be based upon ‘effectiveness’ of the teacher.  Unfortunately teacher evaluations are inherently unfair. Aside from the always neglected issue of principal incompetence, there are real issues of favoritism, nepotism, and methodology of evaluation.

EVALUATION

For example, a new young teacher comes into a school eager to please and willing to do whatever it takes to make a good impression.  She lives at home and has bought a new professional wardrobe with mommy and daddy’s credit card.  Meanwhile, Mrs. Veteran teacher has put on several pounds while raising her three children and hasn’t been able to afford a new outfit in quite some time.

When classes are organized, the newbie is spared the problem students and the kids with behavior and learning issues are placed in the Mrs. Veteran’s classroom, because she can handle them.  Miss Newbie is able do more projects and have a looser class and all the kids and parents love her. Mrs. Veteran needs to run a tight ship in order to maintain order in her classroom. Some of the trouble makers don’t much care for Mrs. Veteran or her rules, especially since they don’t have many rules at home they are expected to follow.

At the end of the year we find that, surprise, surprise, the class that has children with stable homes and professional parents scored much better than the class that has kids with more challenging obstacles before them.  When lay-offs come around, it becomes more appealing to get rid of the veteran teacher with the poor test scores and the high salary, and keep the cute twenty-something in the tight skirt.

NEPOTISM

My district sends out mass emails to inform us when a fellow teacher or family member has passed away or has become seriously ill.  It announces that ________ recently passed away who was the father of _________ teacher and the uncle of ___________teacher and husband to _____ teacher.  It is remarkable how many people get hired into my district that just happen to be related to someone.  From what I understand, my vice-principal is related to a teacher across the hall from me.  I assume her evaluation from her vice-principal ‘cousin’ was a positive one this year….and will be in the future as well.

WHAT IS TO COME?

I firmly believe that the Atlanta situation is a look into the future.  Education has turned seriously competitive, where your livelihood is based upon how well you rate compared to the teacher across the hall.  Principals want two things and two things ONLY.  Good scores and happy parents.  It will be easier for a teacher to cheat and create the illusion of success rather than teaching a new language to an immigrant, fixing neglect, solving poverty, or fighting a generational disregard for Education.  It will be much easier to fudge the numbers, change a few answers, give a few hints, and keep parents and principals happy and thus stay off the unemployment line.

Some will say that every field demands results.  I agree, and I also agree that teachers need to be held accountable.  But I think we would also agree that no one should be given a little league team and be expected to win a World Series, and that I should not have to race my Escort against the other guys Ferrari.  I fear that for many teachers this coming year, the deck will be stacked against them, and just as the teachers must have felt in Atlanta, the temptation will be to pull an ace out from under a sleeve or two.

Nim was the subject of an experiment to see how well a chimp could communicate with humans.  He was given to a large family where he was “raised” as a human child.  The mother went so far as to nurse the young chimp.  (Yes, I did say ‘nurse’…many of you can close your mouths now).  That alone seems cause for some sort of incarceration.  Where the heck was PETA?

Eventually, the chimp became unmanageable and created problems with his biting. (I think someone needed to remind them that Nim was actually an ANIMAL!)  The project ended and Nim was sent back to the university.  One student in particular formed a close ‘friendship’ with Nim.  So much so that he was known to share the occasional joint with the chimp and get high.  Nim was even shown in the pages of High Times Magazine. The university then sells Nim to an lab for experimentation, then later he is ‘saved’ by an animal sanctuary.

So here we have this chimp that is raised, not just like a human, but a neglected and abused human.  He is shuffled from home to home, handed from one person to another, and introduced to recreational drugs.  Sounds like an after school special to me.  I don’t know how the movie ends but I don’t think Nim gets hooked on to harder drugs or dies in a crack house or anything.

The one scene I would like to see is when Nim’s nurse ‘mother’ visits him after many years and enters the cage.  Nim, being the abused and neglected adolescent that he has now become, takes his earth muffin ‘mother’ and drags her around his cage and flings her about.  Again, someone needed to remind her that Nim is an ANIMAL!

So yes, the experiment was a success.  It shows that animals can be very much like humans and will react the same way as we would if mistreated and abused.  It shows that humans might not be the top of the food chain, that academia can be full of self-righteous fools, and the line between human and animal behavior is a very blurry one indeed.

I was a baby when he was lost to stomach cancer. It was one of those “You’ve got a year to live” type deals that you might see in the movies. There is a single picture of him holding me in his arms. The story goes that while taking the picture he said to my mother that he was grateful that he would have at least one Christmas with me before he went. He died in January, I was nine months old.

The funeral was a terribly sad affair, especially with a nine month old baby crying during the horribly morose Buddhist death chant. It’s too bad no one took any film of it. I would have really liked to see it.

As it turns out, his death was actually the vehicle that led me to a better life. His small life insurance benefit allowed my mother to move out of Uptown Chicago that was once labeled the worst neighborhood in America by Time magazine (I think). She bought a three flat and we moved about a mile north from the majority of gangs, transvestites and hookers.

From what I understand, my father was a hard drinking, disciplinarian with a quick temper and a penchant for getting himself into trouble. It’s funny how genes work. I’ve never met the man and yet we seem so much alike. In some ways it feels like he lives within me somehow, but maybe that isn’t a good thing. I feel fortunate that his death did allow me to move away from what could have been a very hard existence in a very bad part of town. Judging from stories he was never a very loving or affectionate father, so in the long run, I might have been better off, but who can say for certain?

Reflecting on all of this makes me imagine a world for my wife and kids without me and how things would turn out. It’s both strange and reassuring to know that they will be okay and I’ve done the best that I could for them. Here I go again, scaring my friends into thinking I’m looking out over the window ledge. No, I don’t have a death wish but I really don’t have any passion for life either. (Stop! No one needs to email or comment on your concerns) I’m simply comforted in the fact that my children will be fine without me whenever that time comes. Maybe I WAS one of those who were looking forward to the Rapture after all.

Considering the eerie tone of my last post I thought I’d expound for a few of my close friends who read and might be worried.  I get the feeling that some of you feel that I am always balancing on a window ledge looking down for a nice place to land. 

 You see dear readers I am a person who admits to not knowing everything and confesses to knowing almost nothing at all.  I am baffled when so many of those around me are so filled with over-confidence and inflated self-esteems, while I am always uncertain and unsatisfied.  In Education, there seems to be people all around you that carry so much pride but have accomplished so little.   I not only speak of the students but of the teachers as well. In fact, teachers are almost as bad as the students and the younger the teacher, the more smug many can be.  I tire of people who constantly blow their own horn but can hardly play a tune.  I am weary of the bullies and the blowhards of the world.  I am drained by all those whose minor accomplishments bolster them to a level of unbearable ego. I am finding it harder and harder to be a man of imperfection among so many others who are so self-impressed and “perfect”.

Maybe it’s my Asian background that makes me think that there is dignity in a person’s quiet humility.  Accomplishment is something to be recognized by others and not sold to others.  I don’t want to sell myself I merely wish to be myself.  This line of thinking is probably not the way to get ahead in life.  However, it is the way I prefer.

I guess that’s just the confused version of me talking.  I mean you take frustration, anger, worry, envy, bitterness, and  stir in a good supply of alcohol and paranoia and you get a pretty interesting soup.  Actually, it’s more like a stew.  Something that devastating deserves to be an entrée and not just an appetizer. 

It has been said that “insanity” is a close companion to “genius”, so whenever I feel that I am losing my mind I can always comfort myself in knowing I am getting yet another step closer toward Mensa.  I don’t think I’d like them though, they seem like they’d all be irritating little “know-it-alls”.

But at least I am back on MOV and writing.  Maybe it will continue to help keep me centered and sane.  So I guess I am happy that the “Rapture” did not arrive as predicted. Strange how many people out there are genuinely disappointed.  Maybe they’re all Mensa members!

Camping laughs at those fools who believe in the predictions of a 2012 doomsday. “It’s like a fairytale.” says Camping. Yes, Harold, I guess there are fools all around us. But it’s a good thing the world is full of the gullible, especially for Camping and his organization. They have collected somewhere between 80 and 100 million dollars in donations…..80-100 MILLION DOLLARS.

I suppose it doesn’t matter to these people that Camping had already predicted the end of the world back in 1996…oops. I’d think that ONE should be the limit on the times anyone can predict doomsday, after that you should be cut off.

One might think Harold Camping is an old fool, but he’s a rich old fool isn’t he? While I look for ways to make extra income and worry about my retirement, I imagine good ole Harold sitting in a big lazyboy chair with a pile of cash stashed under his mattress.

On May 22nd the story will pass and those who chuckled at the prediction will forget the absurdity. But the one who will have the last laugh will be Harold Camping. Take care Harold, I’m sure we’ll be hearing from you again when the next doomsday comes.

The visions of Osama Bin Laden (OBL) hiding in the caves of Afghanastan was way off base it seems. Still, even with my visions of him living like “Survivor Man” I still imagined him having a chair and maybe even a beat up old couch in his cave.

I couldn’t get enough of watching the video of him sitting on the floor staring at his 13 inch television. He looked like a slacker living in his mother’s basement, only worse. There was no flat screen for his TV or his computers, no xbox, no tivo, there was garbage all around and weed growing in the backyard. (Wow-I just had a flashback to the 80′s) I’m sure if we could look around there would be piles of pizza boxes and empty 2 liter bottles of Coke.

You’d think that one of his wives could pick up around the place once in a while…WTF.

Was it any real suprise to anyone that OBL was a big fan of porn?? I’m glad the government decided to not show the picture of OBL shot in the head, but I would really like to get a list of the titles of his porn collection. I’m sure he was into some freaky $h@!. Screw “16 and Pregnant”….or “Jersey Shore”….”The Last Days of OBL” is a reality show that I’d love to watch.

Although this day should be a day to remember and one of celebration, we must remember that it is not a day of solution. The threat still surrounds us and we must remember that our guard must remain alert. We must recognize that there will always be another leader to take the place of Bin Laden and there are those within our own shores that do not celebrate his death but will mourn it.

Yes, it is a fine day and the man deserved to die many times over. My fear is that the habit of Americans to become complacent and comfortable will open the door to new threats and further attacks. We can never forget that the dangers remain with us and will always remain. So yes, wave your flag today and celebrate the death of a dreadful enemy to our nation, but remember that our enemies are in great numbers and continue to be a threat. The war continues as this single battle has been won.